In a world where we could have just about everything we want at a moment’s notice, we have to pick and choose where we allocate our energy and always remember that while good things are fleeting,

Great Things Take Time

Today’s newsletter dives into two men working through their issues. No, it doesn’t involve beating our chests and grunting at each other, we only do that when we’re working out ;)

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Here's what's in today's email

• Hooked on a Feeling

• Moments with Maurice

• What's Got Me Smilin'

Hooked On A Feeling

Feeling emotions is a GOOD thing. I firmly stand by this. But we get into the danger zone when we don’t mix our feelings with facts.

“I’m pretty sure they just don’t like me.” 

“Oh, why do you think that is?”

“I dunno, just a feeling.”

We’ve all been in that boat where something triggers a thought or an emotion. Maybe it’s that someone didn’t react exactly to how we thought they would, or they seem reserved for some reason. Our creative little minds take off and start whirring, and the next thing we know, we’re running through an elaborate story where we’ve deduced that the person hates every fiber of our being, driven primarily by the way we said that broccoli was our favorite vegetable.

But if you were to play back the tapes or ask someone else who was present, there wouldn’t be the same conclusion. This is the danger when you start to put your voice to other people’s feelings and narrate their lives through your words.

Recently, I went through a bumpy patch with a friend. There was animosity brewing, but neither of us addressed it head-on. Or when we did, it was misconstrued text messages. Looking at what was going on in his life, I KNEW without a shred of doubt that he felt unhappy, and I started making conclusions as to exactly why. But a lot of those conclusions lacked truth and were far from why he felt the way he did.

I didn’t want to address the issue directly because I didn’t want to stir the pot (you know that feeling when you know you have to have a tough conversation, but you just don’t have the energy to deal with it). But communicating with him (90% via text) would make my blood pressure rise every time we talked about something, and I couldn’t handle walking into work or bedtime in a foul mood. So I either got more snippy or just backed off more and more because I felt that I needed to set boundaries with a toxic relationship. 

Hopefully, you caught a few red flags from the above. First, most of our communication was done via text, which means that I was putting my tone to his words. This is a dangerous, dangerous path to be on because it shrouded every message I received with how I perceived his emotion to be at that moment, not necessarily what he actually meant. It was also the same on his side.

Next, we didn’t talk about our issues head-on. It was always something that skirted the real problem, the outcome, not really the cause. If you’ve ever been caught in a tough spot in any kind of relationship, you’ll know that addressing ONLY the outcome of an issue just feels like nagging or complaining. You aren’t able to get the full picture.

Take something as simple as your partner leaving the clean laundry in the dryer and not taking it out or helping fold it. You keep asking them not to, and they might just feel like you’re nagging and getting on them about the same thing. However, when you explain that them not taking out the laundry is frustrating because when you have to get a quick wash in, you can’t dry the next load without removing the previous load, which ends up taking more time than you had planned for. It also gets all wrinkly, and you have to steam it to make it look presentable, again taking more time than you had allotted. Finally, it makes you feel unappreciated and like you are expected to be the only one to keep up with the laundry and that your time doesn’t matter, which makes you feel dejected and inferior. 

This went from being a surface-level issue to getting to the root cause and healing issues that might bleed over to other things (hellooooo dirty dishes).

When I put emotion to his messages, I also decided I knew why he was feeling what he was feeling and formed my own stories. I created a narrative of what I thought I knew to be true, and my reasoning made me even angrier. Once we laid things out, it started to make more sense, and things weren’t actually as dramatic as I had concocted in my mind. Go figure.

Finally, going back to the issue with my friend, there was the avoidance piece. Neither one of us addressed it head-on. We both had our reasons, with mine being that I wanted to protect my peace. But letting the issue fester for longer just made it worse. Things were devolving, and when it came time to talk about our issues, it was more involved than if we’d been honest at first. (If you’re a no-emotions, stick to the facts type of person, remember that time = money, so address it sooner).

Emotions are good, but relying on them for our sole decision makers is bad, especially when it comes to other people. There’s been a lot I’ve shared on these newsletters, and I’m not one to stray away from talking about what I’m feeling, but some things can go too far if you aren’t careful. I was ready to set boundaries to protect my peace (and already starting to do so), but it wasn’t based on the whole picture.

You want to know what the whole issue boiled down to? Neglect. We each felt that in his own way, the other wasn’t giving the right time or energy we needed.

What was reaffirmed for me through all this is that the basis for every healthy relationship (anything from your local barista to the customer service rep on the phone, to my mother, to my work colleague, to my friend) is communication. I had to respect that his feelings were valid for him, and leave space for him to share without a reaction on my part (LISTENING! NOT DEFENDING!) to understand where he was coming from.

But at the same time, if he couldn’t see why I was feeling the way I did, I needed to be prepared to dial things back and put up some boundaries. It was just important to have the full and true story. Imagination is a beautiful thing, but not when it comes to friendships.

Just like anything in life, it seems like the best course of action isn’t just leaning into one thing, but a mix of many things. In this case, emotion, communication, and facts, each relevant and important in their own way. I couldn’t keep getting hooked on a feeling I thought I knew was right.

But hey, take what I say with a grain of salt. After all, I am the guy with about 1,000 unread text messages…

Moments with Maurice

If you only pause to reflect on your life for one moment today, do it now.

If you’ve been journaling along with me, take the time to pause on the reflection and write down your answer to the prompt. Even if it feels silly in the moment, looking back on what you’ve written down can be eye-opening when you start to see patterns form.

Because no matter what, there is always something to smile about.

Work Squad

You can’t row your boat rower gently (or aggressively sweating) down the stream without a good team around you. I’m grateful every day to be surrounded by people who make me smile this hard.

The Downshift

Maybe you wonder what my 5-9 looks like outside of my 9-5 (who are we kidding, sometimes it’s more like a 4-2). Who I talk to, what we talk about, what’s on my mind. Well, sorry to disappoint you that it’s not that salacious… It’s cars. Below is a quick checkup on the progress of my g80, where I got to whisper words of encouragement to it about how fast it will go. Kidding! Well, kind of..

Sorry, Frankie!

No trout at Troutbeck. Sorry, Frankie! But there was plenty of other nature I got to enjoy. This event was in partnership with BMW, where manmade machines were surrounded by untouched nature. It’s a wonderful reminder about how different and subjective beauty can be, and how sometimes it’s the simplest things that are the most exquisite.

Stay tuned for future events you can sign up for.

Remember:

-Adrian